Reflection on Forgiveness & Letting the Past Go - Entry 1

At first I hardened my heart. I didn't want to feel, to be indifferent for fear that if I feel, I will get hurt again and cause pain to others in effect. This was a resolution that I came to conclude after countless hurts I encountered when I didn't guard my heart for the ugly things that could happen.

So, I hardened and steeled myself. I thought of controlling all this by myself. I was in control, or at least, I thought I was. But, one could only hold on for so long and face such ugliness all by himself. It gets pretty exhausting quite fast, and the next thing I realized, it was as if I was reaching out for something in the dark.

It was quite ironic, I kept on praying that I be spared of such pain but I was also holding on to a grudge in my heart. It was like asking for a relief to the searing pain in my hand but is still holding on to the thor in it.

Holy Week of 2024 - I said to God that I am finally letting go. I opened my heart to the Lord, trusting that He alone is in control of things, but only if I let Him and if I do, when I do, I am placing myself on the best possible scenario there ever could be.

I surrendered it all to Him. I am sure that in surrendering myself to him, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, to be soft, to be open, unchaining myself from all the guards I put up - but, it's all in His hands now. I have entrusted everything to Him. I may get hurt; but, it's all for the best possible scenario. So, again, I surrendered. Slowly, ever so slowly, I found myself starting to get free.

The Lord took me to the place of forgiveness and healing one step at a time. I was able to take control of my life without having to actually take control of it. The Lord is guiding me in everything. I have learned to forgive and to let go; however, this isn't a perfect form of forgiveness or letting go as of yet, for I find myself still, at specific times, getting angry or hating on that same person whom I have come to hate previously - not at all times, on specific times.

I have learned that three stages of forgiveness - first is forgiveness, second is reconciliation and finally, restoration. I may still be in the first stage and in all honesty, I still do not know when the second stage will ever come to me or if it will ever come.

I have questioned if there is even a need for the second and third stages to be fulfilled for someone to say that he or she has forgiven.