Sadness or Love That Lasts A Thousand Years

I stared at my watch blankly, trying to determine the time. But, I know for a fact that I was just trying to distract myself; although, I do not know what it is or what it was I am trying to distract myself from.

As night envelopes the entirety of my surroundings, I soon realized that I have been staring blankly at my watch. I tried recalling what I was thinking only to acknowledge that my thoughts have been drifting from one mental topic to another. How many minutes have passed, or has it been hours since? I know how it has been but I never wanted to acknowledge it.

Countless thoughts swirl inside my head: is this all real? Am I real? How do I know that I am? Am I sharing this world with others? Or am I in my own world and the people around me are just characters created by my mind to fill the void? Did I have a choice? Do I have a choice or is it just an illusion? Am I free? Do I have free will? Seems like it. But, am I sure? Why do I feel? What do I feel? Is my reality of sadness and happiness, the same with others?

These are just some of the questions that wander aimlessly in the void of my mind.

Despite all these, I know with absolute certainty that, in the same way, over time, I will learn how to forgive myself, see the goodness in each and every experience I gain.

At the same time, this is me acknowledging the fact that the forgiveness I will be willing and am willing to give myself does not well up within me naturally. It is by the Grace of God that's at work in me that I, come in time, will allow myself to be healed and be forgiven.

In my journey of wanting and needing to improve myself, I have come to acknowledge the fact that there is much hatred and anger and resentment deep within me - and I ought to rid myself of these negativities.

In this paragraph and forward, I'd like to talk about forgiveness.

Forgiveness - never an easy thing to do. Our humanity is prone to unforgiveness, we find ourselves always always wanting to latch on to the hurt that was caused to us - at least, this is what we think initially, for this drives and fuels us to want to get even with the person who caused us hurt, the person who betrayed us.

Yes, unforgiveness stems from the hurt that we feel due to the betrayal of a person whom we love or someone whom we have high hopes of, someone we look up to, someone who shares our values (or so we thought).

The anger and resentment that we might feel towards the person who hurt us is perfectly normal. But, so must forgiveness be perfectly normal.

However, it is completely understandable that it is a very difficult thing to do. Generally, as human person, with the exception of our saintly brothers and sisters and the saints who have gone before us, we do not have an on/off switch that we can just toggle if we want to forgive a person.

No. The last thing, in most cases, we want to do is to forgive a person. The first reaction that we will always have is to get even with the person who hurt. If we can get onto a podium and lash out painful words towards that person who hurt us just to get even and to vindicate ourselves, that we will do.

The sweetness of serving vengeance is just way too satisfying - or so we think.

In the process of wanting to get even with the hurt inflicted on us, and really serving a blow that evens things out, dealing the same hurt - if not greater - towards the person who hurt us, we lose something in the process. This can be the first step of a sadness that lasts for a thousand years, and we don't want it.

Forgiveness is a journey. Forgiveness is not a one-time thing. One day, you may find yourself forgiving the person. But, also, one day, you may find yourself experiencing the same hurt, the same pain, the same anger and resentment. Despite that, find yourself to forgive again.

You may find yourself re-experiencing the hurt a hundred times over. Then, you will have to forgive a hundred times over, until such time that your forgiveness becomes perfect.

Forgiving something does not mean taking up residence with the person who hurt you.

In a sense, forgiveness is letting go, letting go and waving a forever goodbye to the painful and hurtful experience, leaving in this world a kind of love that lasts a thousand years.

As I grow older, I slowly realize that the happiness I feel well from a selected few of individuals. Mostly, I make the least or the most of my effort just to get by, to move one and get on with life. However, do not come to the conclusion that I do this just for the sake of appearing nice and good in front of others. No, far be it from me.

I do this, for my own sake, to cut to the chase, to never lengthen a conversation, to never invite a false sense of invitation on the part of others. Selfish as this may sound, it was all for my own self.

But, the more I engage myself in participating in my own selfish practices and general selfishness, the more I find myself chipping away, even reducing to the point of becoming a speck of dust. Like a stone slowly broken by the smooth, and gentle and rough waves of the ocean. I am slowly breaking and chipping away for a long time now to the point that I sometimes, when I reflect upon it, can no longer recognize myself. I have changed, some parts for the better, but most parts for the worst. It saddens me with extreme sadness.

How and why did I ever allow myself to change without me realize it? I would understand if I am a failure to others; but, something about being a failure to your own self, can never be accepted, swallowed or embraced.