Sometimes I Want To See People I Hate Burn

In most of my posts I write about forgiveness and letting go and moving on, yes, because i strive to rise above my very own self. However, I do not have the desire to write about these topics with the intention of wanting to appear good or that I have figured out what it's like to finally forgive someone after a seemingly endless struggle of just wanting to hate. No, never my intention. In fact, this blog may just be me wanting to unleash the hell and the feeling of resentment in my heart because right now, I want to see people I hate burn.

For a time now I have struggled with unforgiveness and resentment and made it my goal to embrace peacefulness. Yes, there really are times when I just want to wage war and not forgive. This is one of those times.

Now, this is the struggle: as I delve deeper into my Catholic spirituality, I have come to ingrain in myself the very essence of Christ's message in the Gospel - love God with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your heart. Love your neighbors as yourself.

This is the dichotomy, I want to see people I hate burn; however, at the same time, I am also convicted by the values I embraced, that, me giving in to these base desires of revenge and resentment are far cries from the selflessness I want to achieve.

The resurfacing of this feeling of hate and resentment came about when, today, I was sweeping my backyard getting rid of dried yellow and brown leaves, did I recall of an instance when my wife's niece might have accommodated her friend who may have, although I haven't confronted her of this, engaged in aborting her baby and buried it nearby the backyard I was sweeping at.

Writing the last sentence of the previous paragraph just made my blood boil. So, please forgive me, Lord, forgive me my dearest brothers and sisters if I am giving in to this feeling of hate and resent as I write this blog.

My wife's niece, this bitch, with her actions, facilitated an atrocious action, which is tantamount to ganging up on a helpless child leading to its death. That's why sometimes I want to see people I hate burn.

Thus, the reason for this deep resentment and hatred that I can't seem to get rid of. But, I know, that with God's grace, I will have peace and the courage to look beyond this atrocity and see the goodness in each and every person. It may be a long shot and I have a hard time saying, or even writing it, that the time will come when I can say, without a lying heart, that I have forgiven.