The Love That Was Never Meant To Be

August 26, 2024 was the date when I wrote this title "The Love Was Never Meant To Be". I came up with it when I was rewatching some episodes of the KDrama "Goblin". The title came from the inspiration when reflecting on the love between Wang Yeo and Sunny - in both past and present, it was just never meant to be.

But, it's not until January 21, 2025 that I gathered the courage to really write about it. Reflecting upon my own circumstance, can I ever say that I had the experience of having an instance of love that was never meant to be? We need to take out the context love as always something equivalent to romanticism.

Well, if I am to consider the initial desire that I had of wanting to be priest, then yes, maybe, it was something that was never meant to be. Perhaps, I might dare say, it was love that was never meant to be.

I continue to write this reflection on the 23rd of January 2025. A little intoxicated, for I find myself a little expressive when under the influence of these tiny granules of chemicals that affect the entirety of my brain and of my heart.

But, despite the intoxication, it seems that I still find myself being on guard. To put into context and for clarity, I find myself vigilant of what I wanted to say. I keep my morality, being careful to not spill, should anything unpleasant come onto the surface. Would this then become a lie, or just a feeling expressed with half a truth, or worse, just a quarter of it? If it's the latter, will I ever be able to say to myself that I am being truthful, or is just a denial as an effect of my cowardice?

Anyway, going back to the topic. To be in such a situation, just thinking about it, can be very frustrating. A frustration that shows itself every now and then, like a memory that refuses to let go, like a reflection in the mirror that stares back at you with the same visual and emotional intensity as you gaze at it, if not greater.

Slowly, but ever so constantly, it usurps the strength of your being. It drives your morality to the cliff - jagged pointy rocks at the bottom of it, waves giving a false sense of softness but in reality it is a violent white foam.

The dark and unspeakable tragic conversion happens - love turns to hate and resentment. What was once a pure feeling, turned into something sinister. But, what is it truly pure in the first place? It may have been a kind of love that was out of place, out of time, an abomination in the realm of emotions.

Thus, I feel tired, utter exhaustion. I will pour out my heart.

Is everything is just pointless?

Why do I even feel this way?

Why did that happen? Why did I allow myself to be in this situation? But, was it even in my control?

Why does this keep coming back? When will this be over? As this starts to eat away at the very core of my being. I wanna run away from it. My instincts tell me to run away from it. But how can I, how do I?

Do you feel the same way I do?