I Think I'm Going Crazy

A lot of things are going inside my head. Sometimes I even think that I'm on the edge of getting crazy. But, at the same time what's amazing is how I'm able to get back up, not necessarily immediately but just after a good few hours or after some few days.

I think craziness, or at least the craziness we feel, may not always be 100% a bad thing. It can be likened to a cut, makes us feel the pain, but we also witness it slowly heal over time.

It may not always be our capacity that we are able to heal, that we attribute everything to how sturdy we are or how strong we are - we should also consider the people who surround us, who helped us get over the craziness we feel.

It may not just be 'people' per se for all.

At least, for me, it's not. I have my dogs. Well, they're not actually mine - but, I'm the one caring for them (because the actual owners don't seem to give a shit about them or their well being).

But, these dogs helped me and are helping me get through trying times. I talk to them and they take in all the things I say without saying anything, they're just always there for me.

Looking back, I might have felt crazy but it made me appreciate a real, genuine companionship I find with my dogs.

But do we always heal?

This may not always be the case - or at least there are wounds that remain open longer than others. It may heal, the scar will always remain visible.

This happened to me. I have been reliving moments and memories of happiness but just to end up being overshadowed by a very unpleasant memory.

It was very intense at first, truly intense and I always willed myself that it will be gone after a few months - after 2 months it'll be gone, I said to myself.

But, it's been almost 2 years and I still find myself sometimes getting lost in thoughts, imagining good things that could have been.

I find myself creating a fantasy just to make myself feel better.

But, as always, I come crashing down and hit reality, knowing that what I'm creating and imagining will never come to fruition.

As a normal, insane, crazy person would think, I also always hope for the best, for a better day. Sometimes, I find myself finding that better day not because something good happened to me; but, because I witnessed seeing something good happen to somebody else.

And it made my day easier and better and I was happy.

I see now that life is a balance of good things and bad things. This is how we are shaped as a person.

There are so many things we want to complain about, for sure: a person close to us having a really bad personality, a cheating family member, a mother tolerates wrong doings and many more. But, in all these pains and hurts and injustice and wrongs, we turn to Him. We turn to God.

God understands everything like no one else can.

We will never understand the reason of the happenings of the here and now - but, we need to remain in faith and trust that God sees a much, much, much bigger and clearer picture.

We are being tested, but what for? We are being prepared for a much better place. We are exiled but we will be brought back.

So, this craziness, sadness and loneliness will all come to pass.

Sounds so easy, but we should and we must endure. For not all we experience are sadness and loneliness - in everyday, God always gives us a reason to smile, and all the reasons to be happy.

Stand fast! We're almost there.